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Ahazuaran Affairs Pilot
Ahazuaran Affairs – Pilot Script - First Draft Copyright Philadelphia Movie Play and Porn Scriptwriting All Names, Characters, and Places Trademark of Warner Brothers Please do NOT mark on this script unless authorized by PMPaPSW Affairs theme plays is domestic household. Garma is sitting on the couch. Abbadon and Gojac are sitting around the table. walks in the door. Kellus: “Guys! I’m home!” Gojac: “Any problems with the accurset mantis demons?” Kellus: “Well, let’s put it this way!” up of Kellus’s lips Kellus: “I’m still alive!” laugh track plays to Garma rolls eyes second pause Gojac: “And we always will be.” takes a swig from a dusty green bottle Abbadon: “Still drinking that mind-poison, Gojac?” wipes his lips Gojac: “shut the fuck up” Affairs riff plays is Ahazuaran city street. Architecture is Late Dohaz, circa 2e50. However, it’s not straight Late Dohaz; it has a splash of Gurhut in it. The Gurhut splash is mostly visible in the buttresses and trusses, but it can also be seen in the dark green paint on the classic Dohaz trim. Technically, it shouldn’t be called Dohaz trim when it was first used in Eharet, but nobody will know what you mean when you say Eharet trim. Some of the buildings are fading, as they should be at their age, but they have been largely ignored by the elements. Make sure Scene Construction doesn’t go crazy on the wind smoothing. It’s a stone building, not a goddamn wheel of cheese. is eating a turkey leg. Garma has already finished hers. Kellus: “When you called them accurset mantis demons, did you really mean demons?” Garma: “Did I say that?” Kellus: “yes” Garma: “when?” Kellus: “Earlier, when I just got home from Ashelani territory. I said I was home and you asked if I had any trouble with the accurset mantis demons.” Garma: “…” Kellus: “It was three hours ago?” Garma: “Oh, right. What was your question?” Kellus: “What did you mean when you called them demons?” Garma: “It’s a figure of speech. Good question though.” Kellus: “It’s sort of hard to tell with the Ashelani, isn’t it.” chuckle. Short laugh track plays. Garma: “I am being serious though. It’s a very good point to wonder about.” Kellus: “yeah.” Garma: “No, like we should do some research on it to make sure that they’re not demons. I’ve never seen any evidence that they aren’t, and it would explain where they came from all of a sudden nine centuries ago.” Kellus: “I guess. I’m kind of busy with other stuff, though.” to Kellus sitting in his workshop. The lights are low, and he has a look of concentration on his face. Kellus: (wipes his brow to show how busy he is) back to Garma and Kellus on the city street. Garma: “We have all the time in the world, you know.” Kellus: (quietly) “yeah…” look silently at the ground for a moment. Garma: “And the question as to whether or not they’re demons is sort of important.” Kellus: “I guess I could help. It’s not like my work is going anywhere.” Affairs riff plays to Gojac sitting alone in the dark. He is surrounded by half finished automatons and diagrams. is staring at the wall, in a trance. Gojac: “I like to think I’m a genius. I like to think of myself as a creator. But do I get to call myself a creator when I never finish anything?” gestures around himself, to no one in particular. Gojac: “I’m surrounded by projects that are 90% finished. That’s all I’m capable of doing. I start shit and I work on it and then I get bored forget about it. Does that make me any better than someone that doesn’t create anything at all?” Gojac: “And of course, I spend less and less time actually building anything. I spend more time bouncing a ball off a wall than I do on any sort of constructive project. And then every day I tell myself I’m not going to waste my time drunk. And then I do. I have no god damn willpower.” throws a small metal construct at the wall, where it shatters. Gojac: “Look at that. That was supposed to be a mouse that could solve a maze just by looking at the outside of it. I was so interested in it when I started, convinced that it would lead to a revolution in animal intelligence, and that I would solve the Souls problem. And then it sat there for 300 years waiting for me to add the finishing touches to its maze comprehension.” Gojac: “But those finishing touches weren’t coming. I’m not capable of making those finishing touches. They’re way above my head and I should have known that. I’m not smart enough to write a maze-runner, much less solve the Souls problem.” Gojac: “Kellus could’ve solved it.” Affairs riff plays is hanging out in the Toquan-Cordan village. We’ve already been over what Toquan-Cordan architecture looks like. He is drawing on an easel while several Toquans guess excitedly. Toquan 1: “It’s a sailboat!” Toquan 2: “It’s a man on a horse! Horseman? Rider?” Toquan 3: “It’s the Rider of the Holocaust!” Abbadon: “Seriously? You think because I’m the harbinger of death, everything I do has to be about death?” Cordan 1: “You can’t talk to your teammates, that’s cheating!” Toquan 2: “Is it something to do with a horse race? Or maybe speed!” touches his nose. Toquan 1: “Is that other guy bowing?” Toquan 2: “Begging?” touches his nose and smiles. EDITORS NOTE: Abbadon is always smiling. He’s a skeleton. Please keep the characters and setting in mind when you write. Toquan 3: “Begging? Desire? Need?” Toquan 1: “NEED FOR SPEED!” Abbadon: (Breaks into a smile and laughs) “You got it! Need for speed. Final score, 3-5, our favor.” Cordan 3: (looks very scared and begins begging and pleading) “No! Please! One more game! Double or nothing! I’ll pay you!” Abbadon: “No more chances. We play one game of your choosing, and you lost fair and square. Now, mori.” 3 starts to twitch and falls over dead. Blood leaks slowly out of his nose. looks directly at the camera, and winks. EDITOR’S NOTE: I don’t know if this is some kind of joke but official scripts are not the place for this. Affairs theme plays. Commercial break Rucahn: “We have looked once again into the Narrative. We have seen that Ahazuaran Affairs will be right back.” to commercials. and Rucahn are speaking in Rucahn’s quarters. Garma: “So this guy just took the butter churn?” Rucahn: “Correct.” Garma: “Why didn’t Harold say something? I mean, if a guy tried to take my second-to-last churn, I’d deck him out!” track. Rucahn patiently waits for the laughter to subside before responding. Rucahn: “Harold did not see Rowan pick up the butter churn, and was tending to our infant daughter when Rowan left our house with it.” Gojac: (Stumbles in the door) “Hey guys. What’s up?” Rucahn: “A man took another’s butter churn. The butter churn was soon after destroyed by a scorned lover. We had a simple miscommunication between ourselves, caused by odd social rules and unlikely situations.” Gojac: “Woah. Sounds pretty crazy. Say, you got any ham hock in here?” Rucahn: “There is no ham hock in this building. However, there is roast antelope and raw pork. The nearest ham hock is in Kellus’s quarters on the west shelf of his larder. However, that ham hock is stale and you will not find it to your liking. The nearest ham hock that you will enjoy is in your summer quarters, in the larder behind the thornberry jam. ” Gojac: “Thanks.” (Ungracefully walks out of Rucahn’s quarters.) Affair Riff Plays WRITER’S NOTE: I had intended to add more dialog to this scene. The relevance of the scene was that Garma was going to decide to buy a new butter churn for the Harold, which required her to travel to Stavengar. However, I spoiled the good part of the scene with Rucahn’s omniscience. If anyone can think of a good way to get around this, please leave a note on my desk. '' '' EDITOR’S NOTE: What about a flashback? PRODUCER’S NOTE: No can do; we blew our set budget on last episode, with the mountain retreat. Just have someone else walk in and ask what happened. '' '' WRITER’S NOTE: There’s only five characters and we already have three of them in the scene. I can’t just “have someone else walk in”. It’s a desolate wasteland, that’s the entire schtick of the show. PRODUCER’S NOTE: What’s wrong with bringing in Kellus or Abbadon? EDITOR’S NOTE: No, he’s right, the plot outline says they’re off collecting mantises for research. PRODUCER’S NOTE: We’re not showing that on screen are we? We don’t have rights to film in Ashelani territory. '' '' WRITER’S WIFE’S NOTE: Sorry, I saw the script lying around and I have a solution. Do a close up of Kellus and Abbadon riding in a carriage or something and have one explain the whole churn thing to the other one. to Kellus and Abbadon riding in a carriage. The curtains are drawn and it is dark outside the carriage. Abbadon: “So what’s the deal with the whole butter churn thing?” Kellus: “Basically, a guy named Rowan thought that his friend Harold told him to take his butter churn and keep it while Harold’s mother in law stayed over. Then Rowan’s ex girlfriend came over and thought it was a gift from another woman and destroyed it. Now Garma is going to decide to replace it for Harold.” Abbadon: “Wait, what? What makes you think Garma is going to decide that?” WRITER’S NOTE: I wrote myself into another corner. The carriage idea doesn’t work. '' '' EDITOR’S NOTE: I really don’t think people’s families should be making decisions about the show. WRITER’S WIFE’S GIRLFRIEND’S NOTE: The carriage idea works, they just have to be talking to Garma as well! '' '' EDITOR’S NOTE: Seriously, tell your wife to stop writing on the scripts. WRITER’S NOTE: It’s not a bad idea. They could have Garma explaining it to them over some scrying mirror. '' '' EDITOR’S NOTE: We already said that they can’t do scrying for six months two episodes ago. Louis, can you do something about this? PRODUCER’S NOTE: I vote for the scrying idea. People won’t remember the thing about not scrying, and even if they do it’s not a big deal. '' '' EDITOR’S NOTE: No. If we as writers don’t care about integrity we might as well hire Steve Urkel from Family Matters and make Garma wear slutty robes. Bill’s wife doesn’t even keep up with the show, why are we listening to her? Kellus: “Because she just told me that she was going to do that!” (Kellus holds up a mirror with Garma’s face on it. Garma: “Yup. I decided that I’m going to travel to Stavengar and give Harold a new butter churn, because I too have had my personal items stolen and destroyed by a friend.” EDITOR’S NOTE: Nice fucking job. Gojac was supposed to pop his head in and refuse to take the blame. But he can’t exactly pop his head in a FUCKING CARRIAGE IN ARDUNNE. I don’t see why you had to write the line where Rucahn gives it away or why you refuse to change it. I don’t see why management has to go on a witch-hunt every time the media says something negative about our company. I don’t see why peoples’ family members are allowed to make ill-informed decisions about the show. And most of all, I don’t see why I still work here. I quit. Good luck writing a SINGLE GODDAMN SENTENCE without me. Gojac: (Suddenly appears in the carraige next to Kellus) “What, me?” track plays Garma: “ PRODUCER’S NOTE: Just cut to credits, we’ll get a new editor next week credits, play Ahazuaran Affair theme song Category:Nationbuilder IV: Celtanus